Monday, March 22, 2010

Why do Mondays suck?

I hate waking up on Monday morning. I more so hate waking up on Monday morning when I worked all weekend. Its been 8 days since Ive had a day off (and that was a sick day, literally) and my next is Friday. I am EXHAUSTED! Im not sleeping again. Even advil PM takes forever to kick in. I need something more but I would have to have time to go to the doctors. haha. Lets see whats in store for me this week..
Today: I Work until 2 and then I have to take my truck in to get a new windshield.. Then HOPEFULLY I can move an appt to after that. And then CLEAN THE HOUSE!
Tuesday: Work 8:30am-3pm and then home to get ready and Pistons game that night. Hello luxury box!!
Wednesday: I have a meeting at my office (for my 2nd job) and then a appt to FINALLY get my hair cut at 12 (its been since September..) Then I have to go home and prepare food for that night.. At 7 is my Stella & Dot Jewelry Party and then Karaoke after that.
Thursday: I work basically all day..
Friday: So far.. NOTHING. I need a day off. A day to breathe.
Saturday: I work 7am-3pm..
Thats my week and I know I am missing something. Thats on top of the 3 dog I have.. Even though I know once the baby is here I wont be sleeping, I dont care. I will finally be able to sit there and do nothing. Just hold Emma and stare at her and fall more and more in love with her. I love life. Its busy and its chaotic. It just sucks when you realize its been 7 months since a haircut and your lease is up on your truck (well miles are up..) and you have to learn to drive stick.
New rant. 5 speed. AHHH!! You stress me OUT!
Yesterday the lady I nanny for (who has become one of my closest friend, i love this family) taught me how to drive stick. Poor thing, I hope her insurance covers whip lash. It wasnt horrible but I hate, hate, hate stalling out. Its embarrassing! I should be better then that. I did good though and I am totally proud of myself. Josh tried to teach me when we were together and he was home and ladies, never ask your spouse to teach you anything. He made me SO mad. hahaha. But it was fun and I thank him for trying. So yesterday we drove around for 90 minutes and I basically took her on a your of Lansing and Grand Ledge and the good places to go all while practicing my shifting! Ahh..
So then that night I had my family Easter dinner.. Everyone is going out of town on Easter so we did it early and by family I mean.. My parents and brothers, a family friend and more of their mutual friends. Amazing dinner. I think I saw my brothers once because they were off doing the Easter egg hunt.. Which is 30 plastic eggs hid in a field and on the golf course. Ok not hid, more like buried. After 4 hours they still hadnt found the golden egg ($5 inside). So funny. They were outside as it was getting dark looking for the eggs. Silly kids.
I drove there all by myself and only stalled out once, ok twice.. Once each way. But hey I did good. Im still queasy when it comes to lots of traffic around me and hills. I do not like hills. I am so afraid of hitting the car behind me so if you see a little blue sports car and its rolling backwards and in Lansing (STAY AWAY, FAR FAR AWAY!!)
By the way I am working right now, the baby is sleeping. I love when she falls asleep snuggling up to me. Sweet, sweet little girl.
Ok for now, thats all I have to bitch and complain about. Ooops, maybe I shouldn't swear. Eh, youll get used to it!!
Have a great day and dont forget its GRILLED CHEESE MONDAY!! Take a picture of it and hashtag it #grilledcheesemonday. And then tweet at me @niffirgelleinad so i can see!! ~Smile, its good for your soul~

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Hello Saturday!!

Hello Saturday.. Oh what was that?? Im at work?? Yup, spending my day sitting in a chair looking outside.. What was that Saturday, you think that sounds depressing?? You have no idea.
Ok well now that I just had a conversation with myself.. Maybe I need to go next door and check into the psych ward. It is SATURDAY! And normally I would be way more excited but I need the money and they are offering hours so I picked up every Saturday. Not bad since I am out by 3pm today. My fear is april.. (dun dun dunnn). I am working M-F 7:30a-5:30p and then every Saturday 7a-3p.. Yup, for those of you who dont know math, thats 58 hour weeks. On top of prepping for the baby and having 3 dogs at home and at some point in time getting sleep. Good thing its only for a month! Id say I can sleep when I take time off once the baby is born but that would be a joke! Ill never sleep once she is born and hen I can sleep, I wont. Ill sit there and look at her and fall in love with her all over again every day. Yaaay for Pepsi!
Nothing to much to rant about since its only 9:20 in the morning (eastern time) so most of you are probably sleeping. Rise and shine and get on with the day!! Even on weekends I dont really sleep in (if given the chance) because a) my dogs think "oh the suns up, lets play" or b) i just dont sleep. I dont like sleep. I feel like if I sleep I am wasting the day and yes that sounds dumb. Its SLEEP!! Example, right now.. As I am sitting here in the chair with my netbook on my lap my eyes are super heavy and I could just lean over and fall asleep. No worries, I wont. I kinda like my job!
Thinking about going out today and buying a new camera. I am HUGE on pictures. If youre a friend of mine on facebook or even twitter, you see the pictures I upload/twitpic. My nephew is coming home in a week for a week and I need to document his week! Mainly so I dont fall apart when he leaves again. I havent seen him since I left Texas on January 30th. Ahh, almost 2 months. I miss him. He should be coming here for a month over the summer so he can come camping with us. Well, I dont know if Ill be camping with the baby. Yaay, 2 months old, now cook dinner. Ha. Jokes. And then he SHOULD be moved home next March. One more year. This kid is adorable. I know everyone says that about their nieces and nephews and kids but face it people.. There are just some kids who are NOT cute. But this kid is cute. He has HUGE brown eyes and 4 teeth. A huge round head and hes long and skinny. Hes going to be so tall! This isnt even his best picture. Just one I took with my phone. He just turned one. In January I flew him to Texas and let me tell you.. 15 hours on planes and layovers with a 11 month old and top of going into a time zone that was 2 hours behind you.
I slept he entire next day.

Ok for now I am off. Need to deal with work for a bit. Silly patients.
Enjoy your Saturday!!!

Friday, March 19, 2010

And its FRIDAY!! Like that means anything..

So my Friday started off a little different then any other Friday... I woke up, let the dogs out, got in the shower.. And normally I keep going from there.. (Shower, hair, makeup, ect.) But today as I was washing my face (go figure) my phone starts ringing and its my husband.. From overseas. This is different because we dont talk. We email when we have time, which is usually every couple days we exchange an email basically about whats going, what needs to be done, how the baby is growing.. The moment I realized that number had a few to many numbers, I knew it was. So here I am standing in the shower, and my eyes are BURNING! I wasnt going to ignore it because who knows when the next time he calls is going to be.. So I answered and we talked for 20 minutes. Dont worry, I ended up putting my robe on. (dirty people). We started off with the normal, hi, how are you, whats news and then we got to the thing we have been wondering for months and months. "Whats on going on with us?". Legally we are still married and we are having a baby and we have a house and dogs and every possible thing you can have as a married couple, we have. Well, we dont have a fish, he killed it ((poor Chompers)). I never know what to say when he asks me where we stand so basically this is what I said. "I love you, I never stopped loving you and I never will because you were apart of the past almost 9 years of my life. You hurt me. Not once, not twice but you hurt me because you were selfish and because you didnt think that I could ever make you happy and when you lost me you finally after all those years realized that I was the reason you were happy, that I was the reason you woke up every day and went on with life. You have problems and you need help, we both know that. Iraq screwed you up and every day I miss my husband. I miss the man I fell in love with. The man who promised to spend his life proving to me how amazing he thought I was. Well, once was. Now all I do is feel like that I was good enough, I was more then good enough more you. I know what I deserve and I know what I want but its not about me and its not about you, this is now about our daughter. I dont know where we stand and I dont know where you want us to be but I want whats best for her. I want you to be in here, with me or not. If you want us try this again, if you want us to see if our marriage can make it you need to change. You need to stop flirting with girls and stop confiding in them because thats why Im here. You need to not talk about me behind my back because I will always find out and as much as you hurt me, I will hurt you if you ever hurt this little girl. I can forgive you for all of the mistakes you made, all of things youve said.. If you put her first." And he agreed. So once again, I dont know where we stand. I dont know if Im single, if im in a relationship. I dont even know if my marriage is going to make it but I know that when he comes home for his two weeks we are going to talk. I dont care that he hurt me. Ive moved past it because Im an adult. But he just cant hurt her. He cant break his daughters heart. I will never be able to forgive him for doing that. And I dont think he will. Its all he ever wanted, to be a dad. I think he'll be a great dad. I just dont know where he and I stand. I dont know if hes who I want to grow old with anymore. We've been there. Ahhh.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Im going to rant... Well, rant/vent!

Ok, so I am a VERY pro everything kind of person. Im pro life and pro gay marriage and gay rights. Im pro just about everything that I can possibly be for. I believe that everyone is smart enough to make their own decisions, the best decision for them. If you want to love someone the same sex as you, by all means DO IT! Because it means you are happy and why would any one ever want to live their life not happy? Ok well the rant isnt even on that. Its on adoption. And its a comment I keep hearing over and over and OVER again. Like I said, I am adopting and because Josh and I are legally married we are adopting together. We may not be together right now or ever again for that matter but we made the decision to adopt this little girl and be her parents. We tried for 5 years to have kids. Not being able to have kids is a HUGE reason on why our marriage fell apart. We were so broke and so sad. The one thing we wanted, we couldn't have and we watched everyone else around us have it. In face some of those people are HORRIBLE to their kids. Im sorry but dont teach your child the f word and then wonder why she gets in trouble in school. Dont give your white daughter a black doll and have her throw it at the wall. That is horrible! Ive heard so many stories and for the life of me I cant figure out why I cant stay pregnant! So back to the rant..

Ive been getting the following comments a lot lately...
"You are being un fair to this baby, having separated parents"
"This is so selfish of you"
"You're separated, you're not in a place to have kids"

Ok first off.. How is it me being selfish adopting a baby that I KNOW i can give the world too. That right now is homeless and with someone who does not want this baby, someone who has made it clear she hates this baby. How am I being un fair giving it two parents who love this baby already UNCONDITIONALLY!! How am I being un fair giving her a home and clothes and food and insurance. How am I being un fair giving her things that millions of kids dont have?
How is Josh and I adopting her together but being separated any different from a divorced couple who had kids, a 27 year who got pregnant by her boyfriend and then they broke up or a 30 year old who decided marriage isnt for her but kids are so she does artificial insemination. How does that make sense? I am putting this little girl before me in every way. I am looking for a better job to give her more in life. I love this child so much and we have never met. I cant wait to fall asleep next to her and see her smile in the morning. I cant wait to have get off the school bus for the first time so excited because her mom is right there waiting for her. I cant wait to watch her leave for her first date or even have her first baby.. ((no not in the same year, not even in the same 10 years!!) If she comes to me when shes an adult and says I want to adopt, Im going to say ok.. And I am going to be so proud of her.
Josh and I have talked about this since the day we separated. What happens if we find a birth mother.. Honestly, I didnt think we would but everything happens for a reason. She came into our life, she because part of my life.
This little girl is going to have so much love and so many chances in her life. Shes going to be able to do things that I always dreamed of. Im going to make sure of it. She is a part of every decision I make. Shes in my heart and my head when I fall asleep, wake up and all day long. She is the best part of me and shes not even born yet. Ive never smiled this much. Ive never glowed like this. Ive never felt as much like a mom as I do right now. And you know what? Its the best feeling ever. Its so amazing knowing that this little girl has nothing and Im going to make sure she has the world. Ive been through more then any knows. I have secrets that will come never be told. I have more mature then 30 year olds I know. I have more life experience then 40 year old I know..
I cant wait to be a mom. So judge me all you want for what I am doing, but I promise I will never judge you for the choices you've made. I may not agree with them, and I may not think they are right, but I will never judge you, I will stop being your friend and I will never tell you that what you want is wrong and un fair. Because who the hell am I to make that decision for you?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Where the heck have I been??

I have been SO busy.. I dont even remember the last time I had time to sit down and write. I know its been a few days. I know its been a few days. So let me update you on as far back as I can remember.. Yup, that would be Sunday! Sunday was a huge day. So Im adopting.. Have I mentioned that? (Had to go back and read, and nope I didnt!) Ok, so I know I have told you about my divorce but he and I were in the process of adoption with the whole thing started to fall apart and I made it clear that I was still going to be adopting.. Well, it just wasnt happening and about a month ago I met a girl through a friend of mine who was pregnant and didnt want the baby. She has made up her mind and didnt even know that she was pregnant until it she was already 5 months and by then it was to late for her to sadly abort the pregnancy.. I know everything has their own opinions on abortions and for the sake of the matter, I am against in MOST circumstances. I wont get into it. Its all political crap that I dont really care to talk about in here. Because it was to late, I get to finally be a mom. Something that with my husband I was never able to do. We tried for a long time. We did In Vitro Fertilization, ive had shots, i have scars... Ive had had needles put in places that needles should never have to go! Well Sunday we decided that we should meet and I offered to take her to dinner.. So it ended up being my friend, the birth mom and her dad, his wife and I. AMAZING! Ever since the day the (lets call her Rose) and I started talking there was an instant connection, I felt a connection with that baby like I have never felt before.. From the moment she and I started talking I knew that this baby would be named Emma. Dinner could not have gone any better. I loved her family and they loved me. I couldnt be more excited and more positive about this whole experience. She said be able to meet me put so many worries they had to rest and that they couldnt have found a better person to adopt this baby. That makes me happy. That makes me know that, through all I have been through, and as dark as things have gotten, light is at the other end of the tunnel. Ok well THAT was Sunday.. Monday I didnt go to work because I was sick, AGAIN! I swear, I dont know if I am ever going to get better.. Yesterday was TUESDAY!! What a great day Tuesday was... Went to work feeling like total and utter shit. Rose had an ultra sound and that went well, not well. She is supposed to be 29 weeks right now and the baby is only weight 1.2lbs.. At 29 weeks she should be weighing 2.5 so now they think maybe shes only 25 weeks which means that 4 weeks ago when she went for her abortion, she could have done it... So I dont know if that happened for a reason or if she is really 29 weeks. I personally think that she is just really small. Rose is only 5'1", heavy smoker and is just under 100 lbs. I dont expect this little girl to be very big.. Well if its even a girl. They went to check that it was a girl and my sweet child would NOT spread its legs. Modest, even in the womb!! After all that dust settled I talked to Rose and I feel so bad. She regrets this baby so much, she regrets being pregnant and what its doing to her body. She thinks that this miracle is ruining her. And its not. Her body can do something that my cant and I am sooo thankful for that. I just hate knowing that one day my little girl may want to know about her birth mother her birth mother doesnt want to know about her.. NEXT.. I get out of work and had an appointment with a plastic surgeon. I had jaw surgery in December 2008. When I got my braces, I ended up getting an under bite and when they went to fix my jaw they broke my nose so Ive been having trouble breathing since then. Well, the results are in. I have a deviated septum (no, I dont do coke..) and a bunch of other problems so hopefully some time before miss Emma is born I will be able to have my nose fixed. Getting a nose job, paid for by my insurance.. Woo? They are taking some of the cartilage to fix the dip in my nose form the surgery as well. My 3rd nose in my life time and none of it for personal gain. Wooow. Wanna throw in a free tummy tuck too? Haha. Well AFTER that, I just get home, had enough time to change and get straight over to The Firm which is a little bar for a private show with... CARTEL!! It was just 2 guys from the band but it was a small acoustic show. I have a friend who has helped me get into these events and it is amazing. Its awesome getting autographs and pictures. I have an entire wall of signed posters. They were seriously nice guys!! Then my lovely friend and I went to dinner, registered for baby stuff and went and saw "Shes Out of My Leage" which by the way is FUNNY!! Still miserable I didnt go to bed until after 3 am, augh. Woke up at 10:30 which is amazing because I never sleep in past 8. Today is St Patricks Day and I am going to meet a friend for dinner in a little bit.

Ok so NOW I remember I didnt write on Saturday. And by Saturday I mean work day from hell. Had a rough time with a client and blah blah blah, I just wanted to come home and go to BED!!!

So hows life for you??

Also, if you are interested, I am listening to "Ignorance" by Paramore. Love them!

So, I dont know whats going on with the husband and I. I guess I can just tell you his name is Josh. Weve been through a lot and hes made some really stupid, really not smart choices.. Boo to him. We dont feel the way we used to about each other but we both want to do whats best for this little girl. Shes already my life.. So we are talking it out.. No I didnt say walk it out.. Bad joke ((the song is stuck in my head)).. I dont know if we will end up together, I really dont think he wants us too and if we dont then so be it. Im just sick of being alone. Not having anyone to say goodnight too.

Sooo.. I dont even know what to say. My head is killing me, so I see motrin in my near future! Ooook kids, enjoy. I need to go get ready for dinner!!

Ive posted 2 videos from Cartel on my twitvid if you want to check them out yo.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday...

So its only 1:20pm on a Wednesday afternoon... Let me just mention to you, my life is INSANE! It is chaotic, it is busy and I wouldn't have it any other way. The more going on, the more people involved, the happier I am! Last night I had trouble sleeping, again.. I'm assuming its just the anxiety from everything going on in my life right now. Alarm went off at 7:30 and I got my butt up to work out. I am trying to get it shape. When I got married and was 20 I was in great shape.. And then my husband appetite and my crappy metabolism.. Well, lets just say they didn't agree. So 4.5 years later and in the middle of a divorce (surprise) I am doing whats best for me! I went to the doctors today because I have been sick. No voice, congested and miserable. I knew that I had smoke allergies but I had to get a doctors note for my job. I deal with smoke on certain days and my immune system just shuts down, so I get really sick. I found out that I need to start using an inhaler because I keep having trouble breathing. One of my two jobs is, I am a nanny. I love my job. Its amazing, the kids are amazing and the family is amazing! I kept noticing that playing with the little one that I would be short of breath and all I kept saying is I know I am not out of shape and I am really not a big person.. WHAT is going ON?? Well, ta-da... Smoke allergies are killing me!!! Not literally.. No worries! I haven't used it yet, so we will see. I will need to before I leave for my shift tonight. I will be around smoke so I need to be prepared to be miserable tomorrow. Bottle of water, check - inhaler, check - sanity, oh shit where did I put that..
Now I am just sitting at home, relaxing for another 30 minutes. I love being at home. I get to sick with my girls (dogs) and just relax and breath for a few minutes before my next burst of pure business kicks in. I wouldn't have it any other way!! On a good note, my ring I ordered from came in today and I LOVE IT!! I haven't worn my wedding ring in quite some time and my finger needed a little bit of love! Hey, fingers have feelings! Get it? Ok, I know bad joke!
Alright my little monsters I am off. I will write tomorrow for sure. I have a lot to get out about an event that recently occurred and has irked me since then. Just no time for it today. It gives me another day to process my thoughts. And tomorrow evening it will be just the girls and I and more time for me and you.
I am LOVING writing this blog. I can ramble and people actually read it. Makes me smile!!!

Sending hugs your way!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Once upon a time...

Hey there kids..
Well I am going to give this blog business another try! I started one over the summer and well I kind of slacked and.. You get where this going.. Right? So here is attempt number two! Or for those of you who cant read words (I don't know WHY you would be reading this) that's attempt #2. Did I mention I'm kind of a smart ass, I can rant about pretty much anything going on in my life and I am incredibly and I mean ridiculously, disgustingly positive about live even when it looks like things will never get better.. Yup, I'm the girl that makes you sick!

What can I say about myself? Wait, why am I asking you? Ahh, I did it again! Ok, well here it does. My name is Danielle (or so you think it is). No, its really Danielle. I am in my twenties.. We will get to my real age later but if I tell you now that would really just ruin all the fun. Ive been through a lot in my 20 something years and you'll learn with this blog what I am talking about. I live in Michigan and I hate it. Its cold and its just, well, Michigan. My dream places to live would be San Francisco, Chicago and London. I'm a city girl. Put me in the city and I'm at home, put me in the country without cell phone reception and I go crazy. I LOVE my blackberry and yes, you can love your phone. I have 3 dogs. They're sassy and loud and the damn near most important things in my life right now and soon that will be changing... You'll also learn about that! I do not like drama, I don't lie and I really don't like when you think you re better then me because hunni, I really could care less. I have hopes and dream and goals that someday I believe I will reach and if I don't.. Well, I tried my hardest! I believe that if there is something in your life that you re not happy with, only you can change that! That you choose your path and you have no right to complain about the bad days because you're not doing anything to make it a good day. I believe the sun will always come out tomorrow. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that every person in your life has a purpose. Some people are meant to be and some aren't. I believe in mistakes but I don't believe in excuses or using a mistake as an excuse. I believe that you are the person you want to be and if you say you aren't, then maybe you need to re evaluate who you are! I love life. I'm not some crazy hippy. I just know what its like to hit rock bottom and to come out a completely new, better and happier person!

That's all.. :)