Friday, March 19, 2010
And its FRIDAY!! Like that means anything..
So my Friday started off a little different then any other Friday... I woke up, let the dogs out, got in the shower.. And normally I keep going from there.. (Shower, hair, makeup, ect.) But today as I was washing my face (go figure) my phone starts ringing and its my husband.. From overseas. This is different because we dont talk. We email when we have time, which is usually every couple days we exchange an email basically about whats going, what needs to be done, how the baby is growing.. The moment I realized that number had a few to many numbers, I knew it was. So here I am standing in the shower, and my eyes are BURNING! I wasnt going to ignore it because who knows when the next time he calls is going to be.. So I answered and we talked for 20 minutes. Dont worry, I ended up putting my robe on. (dirty people). We started off with the normal, hi, how are you, whats news and then we got to the thing we have been wondering for months and months. "Whats on going on with us?". Legally we are still married and we are having a baby and we have a house and dogs and every possible thing you can have as a married couple, we have. Well, we dont have a fish, he killed it ((poor Chompers)). I never know what to say when he asks me where we stand so basically this is what I said. "I love you, I never stopped loving you and I never will because you were apart of the past almost 9 years of my life. You hurt me. Not once, not twice but you hurt me because you were selfish and because you didnt think that I could ever make you happy and when you lost me you finally after all those years realized that I was the reason you were happy, that I was the reason you woke up every day and went on with life. You have problems and you need help, we both know that. Iraq screwed you up and every day I miss my husband. I miss the man I fell in love with. The man who promised to spend his life proving to me how amazing he thought I was. Well, once was. Now all I do is feel like that I was good enough, I was more then good enough more you. I know what I deserve and I know what I want but its not about me and its not about you, this is now about our daughter. I dont know where we stand and I dont know where you want us to be but I want whats best for her. I want you to be in here, with me or not. If you want us try this again, if you want us to see if our marriage can make it you need to change. You need to stop flirting with girls and stop confiding in them because thats why Im here. You need to not talk about me behind my back because I will always find out and as much as you hurt me, I will hurt you if you ever hurt this little girl. I can forgive you for all of the mistakes you made, all of things youve said.. If you put her first." And he agreed. So once again, I dont know where we stand. I dont know if Im single, if im in a relationship. I dont even know if my marriage is going to make it but I know that when he comes home for his two weeks we are going to talk. I dont care that he hurt me. Ive moved past it because Im an adult. But he just cant hurt her. He cant break his daughters heart. I will never be able to forgive him for doing that. And I dont think he will. Its all he ever wanted, to be a dad. I think he'll be a great dad. I just dont know where he and I stand. I dont know if hes who I want to grow old with anymore. We've been there. Ahhh.